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I think my untolerable personality lately has been caused by the whole me being around ppl constantly
it like drains me
really it does
but...I think I'm figuring things out...
I'm changing my major to tv productions or graphic design....
thats whats going to make me happy
and last year 87.5% of students who graduated from art institute of seattle
who went and got graphic design or tv pro on average got a job 6 months after graduating
and on average they make a lil more then 31,000 dollars a year
:]
and my advisor Ashley Bradely (who is REAAAAAAALLY pretty)
told me usually the salary goes up as you go further into your career.
:D
scooooore
lol
I'm excited
...I used to feel like I was about to fly out of the earths atmosphere for a while there...as if gravity was giving up on me.
and now I feel as if...I'm apart of this planet in some insignificant yet important way...its nice...but knowing me this feeling isn't perminent.
-_-
- Music:don't stop believing- glee cast
:]
I have some grasp of reality in a way...
before I was so damn confused and then finally i just let it all go and i no longer piss myself off anymore hahaha xD
I think I really do...want everything to be okay.
start over...maybe...lets see how it goes.
but anyways when I got home today
shit I like passed out ahahah
I had trouble keeping my eyes open
xD
I was sooo freaking comfy in my bed
grr...I need to go to sleep earlier
but in psycology we learn we have to go to sleep 45 mins earlier then we usually do, gradually get back back on track sleeping schedual wise
^.^
hm...i was sorta sad before but now i feel a big sense of relief.
:D
yay
xD
xD
but anyways on another note...
well seeing how I am lately.... I'm beginning to wonder...what exactly I want...I'm a bit scared =/
wheres my self control?!!!
>.<
uuuugh!
=[
whats sarah going to do?
I loved it but....
the thing hat really pissed me off was....
I fucking lost my wallet there and they can't find it...I left it on the table....
god dammit, I can't drive around right now.
fuck
>.>
setting a meeting up tomorrow with the counsler...
I need to rethink things...
Another thing I realized was...
how much I'm going to miss is everyone in my life now...
everyone, my friends I love so much right now....
please promise me, you won't let our bond thin out...
as long as you try I will...
I don't want to lose everyone if I move far away.
despite the fact I may lose hope in some ways
to a point where I want to lose myself for a while...
where I want to isolate myself from the world...
please....don't let go of me, don't let me fall...
every person deserves a time of weakness every now and again right?
so...keep holding on to me.
if you try I'll try...
I know I'm silly right now but....I dont want to lose anyone.
- Music:keep holding on- (glee cast)
what I want is to live in apartment with friends and such, and when I finially have that special someone....
I want that old victorian house...with a big tree in the front, one that put shade in the front for those really hot days....
a stair cast that curves a lil.... a kitchen, a yellow one, with a nice lil window in front of the sink.
a back yard with loads and loads of forest like green things, with long grass and such....and there is a table, a swing hanging from the tree...
a corgi...or some dog...
I really want something like that ahahah, out some place thats out in the open but still very close to
the city.
I want a kid and someone who I support and supports me.
that what i think I want.
^.^
I'm going to try to get it...today was a poor example of me tryin since I didn't get any work done but still xD
I'm trying
>.<
lets see how long it says that way
tomorrow I need to finish my homework
and...im sad that i couldn't see
"our town"
made me sad really. >.<
but two more days till i can do 18 year old things....
not sure what thats gunna be but...idk....weird...
not much to say tonight...things have been normal...nothing new really
just need to focus on school more i guess..
i have the urge to run and drink a lot of water. hahaha xD
I love friends, one of my favorite sit coms hahahhaha
xD
lets pretend to run away,
for the day...
lets run and do things we never had time for
lets go into an open feild and sing at the top of our lungs
lets swim in a pond
lets dance to a song we thought would always be undancable
tell jokes that have been over told and still laugh at them
attempt a back flip but end up just falling back
remember one another
care for one another
live for one another
love and be loved by one another
for that day....that day in the middle of the year...
the day lets run away.
lets hold hand while gazing at clouds
lets hold each other when we are gazing at the stars
lets kiss each other when we are being gazed at in the rain
lets be unafraid
take a chance
watch black and white movies
climb trees
search for the tallest statue
camp in the safest forest
send messages in a bottle
send messages tied on balloons
swing on the swing set
I want...for one day...even if I'm still in school...I want to do those things...
with you...
for one day i want nothing else to matter
for one day...even if just for that one day
- Music:Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
I'm stressed and tell her to get out of my room cuz shes just sitting there and making noises while I'm trying to concentrate.
she yells at me...calls me disrespectful when shes the one bothering me when I'm trying to study...>.>
college fair made me wonder if writing is REALLY what I want to do with my life, I mean it'd make me happy but,
after seeing seattle Art institute....just made me think..."they have one in NY....maybe..."
and I have guarenteed admission at centeral....
>.>
soooo I'm a bit confused and im just going to apply and if I get in...then I'll get and I'll decide from there....
=/
hm...
washington schools I'm considering
-Western (probably not unless I want to change my major)
-Central (I'm automatically in basically >.>)
-Seattle Art institute
-Tacoma university of washington
(kinda doubt that I'd wanna go to any of these but I'm still rethinking my major...)
I just don't know if...I'll be successful thats all
like if I'll go far.
I want to write books but director sounds much more interesting...
Art is something I've been doing all my life
but the problem with all these things is that...i can't be garuanteed job... Although Seattle Art institute said that they make sure you have a good resume and they won't let you leave until you get a job(or something like that)
and I'd like that....
but then again...I think writing would make me happy in many ways...and art...idk...both of those I can do independently but...idk...
I really don't know.
hell fashion is starting to sound interesting.
like it always has but I never really focused on it soo...I dont know what to do really
>.<
confusion!!!\
Dx
I just don't know which way to say it now...
I just feel like...im in an emotional pickle in all honesty.
a part of me thinks that there is something..
something that could possibly grow, but then...
its like theres only one reason you'd want that.
idk...
then the other person...
their definition is confusion.
Marlow...
why is it that I constantly run into problems like this?
i guess...when the time comes I might just run....
I mean really, every cute lil thing in her I wish I had in a guy...
I just don't find her attractive in that way since I don't entirely play that way...
I only play that way for Ellen Page you know that.
but seriously,
went to Noahs ark with her and
psh...
she kinda put my mind at ease. no matter what I do,
no matter if I'm discouraged, or heart broken...I can always count on Xinia
:]
I'm scared though...I feel as if I am going to come out empty handed....
That I'll end up hurting ppl or ppl will end up hurting me...
gr...pull at those strings all ya want...
eventually they'll snap, trust me...
but I still got Xinia and my other friends.
^.^
is it possible to be spilt into two?
not phicially but emotionally?
I'm starting to piss myself off...I thought I had ended all this nonsense a long time ago...
I still have a ways to go.
I'm caught in the middle...I feel as if there is a logical way of going about this but...despite the fact that the answer to it seems like...its simple enough...
doing so might bring that black hole that used to be in the back of my chest back...
idk if I'm ready for that. >.<
I don't want gravity to give up on me...
don't let me drift away from this world...
don't let me pass that atmosphere...
no problems?
then right when you think about one thing...that thing that caused so much misery in the past...
it pops up...
im afraid I dont have the strength anymore...
I'm afraid I won't be able to hold on to myself...
to that thing I am talking about...
please stay where you are...please be happy where you are...
I need to fly away...
new york...
london...
tokyo...
portland...
chicago....
it doesn't mater anymore....
just make it some place far away, I dont want to be in a town where the person you expect to understand why you want to leave doesn't understand...
no attachments...alone...
to me that experience...that feeling of breaking away from everyone...
its freedom...
I want to fly away.
alone and someplace I've never been...
away from memories...distractions...
alone...with my thoughts... i want that freedom.
p.s.
speaking of chicago I'm going to seattle on saturday to see talk to a person there for an art school in chicago and...well...yeah its at the art musium in seattle, anyone wanna go?
is it true that history repeats itself?
its funny how we just don't learn from our past mistakes.
if everyone went by experience things wouldn't happen the way they did before right?
or is it that we as humans, look over those things and thing "Its different this time!"
when in all reality it really isn't.
what is it that makes us believe that things can change. Is it because people can change,
that one little thing, one simple thing that is small and fragil can easily change something.
like if you say one word...one word that holds many meanings to it, a word so complex but short that it
has the power to make us believe or make it actually come true, that time...history and knowledge....
can be altered by a simple thing such as that.
What do we look for really?
is one way of thinking the right one?
is life just one big equations, one theory, one thing to which everyone lives.
or is it more then that.
History...
your future can be altered can it not?
I dont believe things are set in stone, that everything and everyone has a plan...
what is the reason for holding back then?
is it fear?
Why is it that man holds so much curiosity?
And why is it there are emotions that we as humans have to hold back?
We are told to isolate the feelings of jealousy, anger, selfishness, and all those other feelings which is true we should, after all the umderstanding from right and wrong and when emotions are appropriate...thats what kind of seperates us from other animals in a way. however we deserve to have one selfish moment, one moment to be angry, one moment to let ourselves release those unwanted feeling or we would ultimately drive ourselves ill would we not? but...
why is it that people prefer some of us to be niave, in he bible
Eve is punished for taking a bite of the forbidden fruit which holds great knowledge....
but as humans we are naturally curious and want to know the things that we wish to understand...
so why is it that our human instincts and human nature is punished?
if we take a bite of the forbidden fruit will we be punished?
history often repeats itself right?
its funny how someone so smart, someone who conducts multiple experiments, and often has to learn from his mistakes in a lab is still capable of making mistakes in the real world despite the fact that what ever that thing maybe there is still a chance.
The exception...something we all wish to be.
I hear about "the rule"
in relationships there is a "rule" and yet we all hope that maybe one day we maybe an exception....
why can't we learn from our past? Why must everything be an equation then?
life...is one of those words in history that can alter is.
life can not be as simple as 1+1...with 1+1 there is one answer...no exceptions.
Where as life...it can be so many things...
life=happiness
life=parties
life=curiosity
life=history
life= me....
why is it that life...a four letter word...can mean so many things....there are words out there in the world that have over 15 letters in it...and they only have one meaning....which as life...something so small can mean many things depending on who is using it...
history will always repeat itself, humans will always be curious, and we will always make mistakes even if we are aware that while doing an action there is a very high chance that we may not be the exception....
us as humans....we live on hope I guess...another 4 letter word that means more then one thing...
in this case hope=life...
history...was never my favorite subject anyways.
but....
I kinda wish it went according to plan.
wish I found that 10 bucks in my jacket soooner....
wish I left my house soooner. lol
wish I didn't have ONE SPECIFIC thing bothering me last night cuz it seemed to have sucked ALLLLLL my energy out of me....really wished it didn't but seriously once one thing bothers me...it bothers me and its hard for me to be outgoing or more open to doing things.
things didn't go according to plan.
dont get me wrong I'm all up for a a night full of watching scary movies with katie.
(thats seriously funner then most things)
but I kinda feel like I coulda done so much more things to make
my halloooweeen
more halllloooooooweeeeeen.
>.<
next year I think I'll stick to one plan and one plan alone.
just cuz I kinda feel bad that I could only be there for lil bits of everything.
=/
or maybe next year I'll just do what I usually do when halloween comes around...
stay home with a bucket of candy.....
maybe I'll just do that next year
seems like things tend to go more smoothly on my part.
are there days where you just think so much that it seems like a crowd of ppl just walked in.
im tied
and I can't seem to hold my own in some areas...
you know in that movie with the kid who can see dead ppl they said something about writing without thinking.
because sometime doing that...you bring out things that you never knew were there.
I'll try that sometimes...I'm just so tired right now...
imma sleep
its made me a bit upset thinking maybe...I just can't do it...I know it was sillly to use metaphors and such.
I just like being able to vent and learning things on my own when it comes to personal things like that.
I'm just over it now and I'm kinda motivating myself not to give up...
its scary to think about really.
=/
ah well...
Im really scared though, I got really upset the other day thinking about it.(eeep)
if I can't do well in school then how am I suppose to do well in college.
>.<
BUT I WILL NOT give up
=]
I watched pursuit of happiness... lol
got me spirits up hahaha'
xD
like a child who cries over the fact they can't touch the stars literally, and yet still attempts to jump up thinking "I almost had it that time."
is it sad that although I know...its logically...just plain stupid to think that these things could mash well and still obtain it shape...when you know the pieces are from different puzzles. the fit in a catergorie but just literally can't fit together...
...its sad really thinking about it...for me anyways, for readers you can't really understand what the fuck im talking about because I'm so vague about it. for all you know I could be talking about my compatiablity with Neo. ahhaha
silly puppy. I could be talking about my future, a guy, family, or various ther things...
I just really hate how things can go so well and the slightest tip of the scale....can make things slightly off balanced, enough to be discouraged. like the only one in a windy room, shivering, losing the warmth of my finger tips...unsure of how to fix it..
I'm just a bit scared i guess...I have that choking feeling in the back of my throat again...
...it seems to be sufficating me...
I wish I was where she was
I wish we could switch places
I wish I was there
more then anything at this momentI with that i could be her and not take the things shes taking for granted, for granted.
I dont think it
im shaking in fear
I'm tired
I'm afraid...no
I'm terrified...
I'm falling again...
